Beating Children (in a Roller Derby Halloween Costume Contest)

People often ask me why I don't drink. I give various answers: that I never quite acquired a taste for it, that I'm cheap, that there was an incident in kindergarden, etc... All true (mostly), but the short answer for my tea-totaling is that there's very little I can imagine doing drunk that I wouldn't also do while sober.

Which brings us to last Saturday night. I went to the Gotham Girls Roller Derby Post-Season Showdown, where both the Brooklyn Bombshells and the Queens of Pain faced off against Seattle's Rat City Rollers. In between bouts they hold their annual Halloween Costume Contest.

In last year's contest, there were only 4 entries. Two with rather run-of-the-mill, store-bought costumes (I think a pirate and a sexy something or other), one person with goth/ren-faire attire and a nice set of prosthetic horns, and then one cute, hipsterish girl dressed as an abstract zebra. (I'll let you guess who won that contest.) I remember at the time kicking myself for not dressing up, as I think it was an easily winnable contest.

Not wanting to miss the opportunity again this year, I suited up as

an oldie, but goodie: the wind-powered, Affirmative Action inspired Samurai from The Superfriends. I even took the time beforehand to tailor the costume so it would seem less diaper-like. I was confident.

And then I saw my fellow contestants. Five-year olds. Nary another adult to be seen. I'd be competing against adorable, little children for gift certificates to a Halloween store.

Fortunately, I'm not a proud man.

There were four of the little buggers. Two were quickly weeded out by show of applause - the first was a kid with a strap on tiger mask, and the second who was wearing the ninja mask that was part of a third kid's costume. So it was down to me, an adorable little witch girl and the even more puckish little half-ninja child, to whom someone had given an inflatable guitar, transforming his off-the-shelf Power Rangers ensemble into a "Guitar Hero" getup.

Guess who came in third. Against 2 kids.

As I said, I'm not a proud man. $50 gift certificate, baby... Kaze no Yō ni Hayaku!!

Death Pumpkin

In lieu of candy, I give you cheese.



Happy Halloween everyone!

For Halloween I'm dressing up as a (zombie) hipster!

Although it dangerously treads the American Apparel-clad borders of hipsterism (a movement I consider to be the death of culture and creative thought), my love of Halloween and the Halloween Parade, combined with the genius of (1980's version of) The King of Pop, is far too great to resist this:

http://www.thrillernyc.com

ThrillerNYC is, in their own words, "a group of New Yorkers who once a year become one of the undead in order to follow the king of undead, Michael Jackson, through the streets of the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade."

What's not to like?

I'm going to end up missing the first two rehearsals, but I plan on forcing my roommate, who is also doing it, to teach me. I've made a copy of the convenient choreography handout he received from the group; it contains such helpful move descriptions as "Zombie Cheerleader" and "Zombie Swim."

While I will miss the 4 consecutive years I dressed up as Groucho Marx and ran around like an idiot with my friends dressed as the Marx Brothers, sometimes you just have to move on.


Although, I could always go as ZOMBIE Groucho. Hmmm....

Why do all Spiderman costumes have muscles now?

It's ridiculous. When did Spiderman become the Hulk?

Spiderman costumes should just basically be underoos/long johns. Hell, ALL superhero costumes should just be underoos/long johns.

Fake muscles in Halloween costumes are the modern day equivalent of having a picture of the character you're supposed to be dressed up as on your chest. I always HAAAATTED those costumes as a child. It's like, "LOOK, I want to dress up as DARTH VADER, not have a PICTURE of him on a plastic bib!"


Why are adults so stupid when it comes to designing kid stuff?