If I Only Had a Work Ethic

Trying to develop a work ethic at age 35 feels nearly impossible. And I'm sure it's not impossible, it just FEELS that way to my atrophied mental muscles. Every day I wake up and tell myself I'm going to accomplish a whole laundry list of projects and 99% of the time I fail.

The tasks vary in difficulty, from simply folding clothes and making the bed, to writing, shooting and editing videos for the YouTubes. Granted, my time these days is very limited; I'm working full time and by the time I get home, often having had to stay late at the office, I'm just feel drained and find myself staring at the computer screen, not editing, not cleaning, not... anything.

But even when I'm not busy, I'll often just avoid doing the things I know I need to do, the things that I know will make me happier once they're done. I have a really acute self-sabotage mechanism in my brain that keeps me from following the very clear path I know I need to follow.

Ironically, without a consistent work ethic, the only thing that makes me finally get things done is the build-up of self-loathing that gets so crushing I'm forced to finally produce results.

I spent 3 hours intermittantly staring at the computer last night trying to edit a sketch video I shot 3 weeks ago. If it were for a 24-hour contest or some other deadline, it would literally take me about an hour. Instead, I've been dodging it for 3 weeks, opening up the Final Cut project, staring at it, moving stuff around, inching along, and then getting up and doing something else like eating, watching movies or vids, or playing games. And of course I tend to want to edit right when I have to leave for some place.

My brain is severely broken. I've been like this since the 5th grade. It gets progressively worse with each passing year. I've got to find some way to change this.

I'm trying to exercise my brain muscle more as of late. I think the tedious day job is helping, and, silly as this may sound, doing Sudoku every day. I need to get back on my exercise regime and start eating better. And of course, just forcing myself to create, Create, CREATE.

The prevalent theory these days is that the mind needs to be worked as often and as varied as the body does. My mind is a slothful waste these days. Hopefully I can get it into shape.

We'll see how it works.