Friday, September 11, 2009

My "Insomnia"

People often refer to themselves as insomniacs. Sometimes it's caused by physical reasons, and in other cases it's anxiety or depression.

For myself, as I write this at 6:21 am, I've never really felt comfortable referring to my night owlishness as "insomnia." It's more just... laziness.

Not that I'm too lazy to fall asleep, though sometimes that's how it feels. It's more like my subconscious mind doesn't feel as though I've accomplished enough during the day, and it's forcing me to stay awake in the hope that I'll be productive before I close my eyes.

Take today for example. Granted, I'm a bit sick, but there's still plenty I could have done. And I did none of it. Intellectually I know that, if I had just accomplished A, B and C on my To Do list, I'd feel much better about myself and be just that many more steps closer towards achieving my various goals in life. And there's no real anxiety about not know what to do with myself - I know the path I need to walk, I just find myself rolling in the poisonous weeds right next to it instead.

So now, I'm wide awake, watching the sunlight slowly illuminate my Western window view, knowing that, because of said sunlight, I'll probably only get four, maybe five, hours of sleep.

Which I'll finally get around to once I hit "Publish Post." Because in my current, pathetic drought of motivation, even just rattling off these few paragraphs will be enough of a fix for my strung out sub-conscious mind to let me go to sleep.

::time passes::

Heh... I just paused for a bit, staring at the screen. That's the other part of my subconscious, the part that likes to keep me from succeeding at pretty much anything constructive. It's rather insidious and, unfortunately, incredibly effective at it's task.

But now, at 6:32 am, I prevail. Knowing, of course, that the cycle will begin all over again tomorrow.

Well, at least tomorrow I have plans to take a salsa lesson...


Craig said...

Know this one well.

Rhona-Mae Arca said...

It could be part of the "artist" genetic make-up. This sounds familiar to me as well!

AstroGirl said...

Ahhh the inability to sleep ... I have the same thing exactly ... I have no idea what I want from my life but also have so many ideas I have no idea where to start (Money is a major factor but isn't it always)

So I sit at my computer staring blankly at it watching movies, TV re-runs, and Asian dramas(which i never realized are a large emotionally draining hobby) :P

You should read my blog ... chalk full of self pitying tripe ... granted i used it mostly as a online journal knowing no one is really going to read it.

And on that happy note cheer up I know as much as anyone how much life sucks when you're not doing what you want too

(Yes my timing sucks i'm sure you've had better times by now if not then feel free to follow my advice )

p.s. listening to the theme song for firefly at the moment :P