Some Decent Burgers (Though Still No McHale's)

Since McHale's closed it's doors in early 2006, my friends and I have been on a search for a hamburger that could help fill the hole in hearts and stomachs left by it's loss. McHale's burger was well over half a pound, served with big, hearty and crispy fries and, if desired, a mound of bacon nearly as large as the burger itself. But even more impressive than it's size was it's taste. Pure, juicy, simple and straightforward - just a perfectly a cooked patty of ground beef. Maybe it was their chef, maybe it was their grill. Maybe a lei line ran directly through their kitchen, infusing their creations with mystical energies, only to be released on the taste buds of their loyal customers.

I wish I were exaggerating, but I'm not. McHale's was the best. I can't walk by the preposterous luxury condominium complex they tore it down to build without my blood boiling a little.

As a result, I'm VERY hard on those burger joints which remain (see previous posts). But why shouldn't I be? No one wants to pay good money for a mediocre or even crappy meal, so we, as diners, need to weed out the inferior hunks of overcooked, under-sized, tasteless nonsense being passed off as hamburgers these days.

That said, I hate to be ALL negative, so here, now, is a list of places in New York where a decent burger can still be had. They're not McHale's, but perhaps the second coming is still yet to come...

CHUMLEY'S
This former speak-easy, hidden away on a side street of the West Village, serves... wait, what? What do you mean their retaining wall collapsed while they were trying to renovate? They're closed?! SON OF A $!%@#!!!

Nevermind... moving on.

EATERY
I had eaten here over a year ago and forgotten what a rather nice burger experience I had eaten here. They have a very clean and minimalist decor and menu, which manages to stick to the basics while at the same time adding nice, light touches which serve to accentuate the food rather than overpower it. Their Eatery Sirloin Burger is decent in size and flavor, and comes with crispy fries and garlic pickles, for only $9.95 at lunch (Though it's $11.95 at dinner... I HATE that.) The rest of their menu is incredibly intriguing as well. They're at the corner of 9th Avenue and West 53rd Street. If you need an upscale venue for a date or some such, this is your place.

THE SHAKE SHACK
Located inside Madison Square Park at 23rd Street and Broadway, this cool shake stand serves great frozen custard ice cream and shakes, as well as very good quarter pound burgers and portobello mushroom burgers. In terms of burger greatness, however, it really shines when you order their "Shack Stack," which consists of two cheeseburgers AND the mushroom burger on top, sandwiched between buns with their special sauce, lettuce and tomato. I normally wouldn't go on about a "novelty" burger, but this thing is just a taste explosion in your mouth, and for $8.75. Fries are separate, at $2.75, so it's not too bad. For those of you with smaller appetites, the individual burgers are still good and they also have a great variety of hot dogs and brats available. Don't forget to treat yourself to a frozen custard shake too!

During the warmer months it's hard to beat the combination of good food and sitting under lights strung amongst towering trees in the park.

BIG NICK'S
A neighborhood fixture, this is an old school diner-style eatery, meaning that you can order pretty much everything and the kitchen sink: soups, salads, steaks, Middle Eastern, Italian, Greek, Mexican, sandwiches, pizzas, breakfast, lunch and dinner. 24 hours a day! But we're here to talk about burgers, and Nick's doesn't disappoint. A dizzying array of burgers awaits you here, and they're big, juicy, grilled and reasonably priced. A basic, 1/2 lb. cheeseburger with fries and fixings comes to a modest (for NYC) $8.25. Even crazier, for $9.25 you can get the ONE POUND Sumo Burger. There are far too many toppings and combinations to go into here; suffice it to say you'll find something to tickle your palate.

CORNER BISTRO
Cheap beer ($2.50 for McSorley's), cheap burger ($6.75 for a maybe 5-6 oz. burger, $2 for fries), good taste all around. 'Nuff Said.

Well, okay, the service is a bit slow.

There may be more, but until I find McHale's reincarnate, these will have to do.

More Burgers of Shame: Stand

So this past Friday, still grumbling over my sub-par experience at BRGR, I decided to try to cleanse my palate by trying another burger joint I had heard recommended, Stand on 24 East 12th Street in Manhattan. I was a little worried, as the aforementioned Michael Kane had ALSO recommended this place, but as he had also named a number of decent places, I just figured I'd ignore all his burger observations, both good and bad.

As my roommate and I arrived, the stylish minimalist black sign positioned high above the entrance on the second floor of the building screamed dollar signs at me. The two story tall room, the black and white theme and the scruffy, disinterested hipster maître d' just inside the door reiterated the impending bill, and a quick glance at the menu confirmed it. However, as my dinner companion reminded me, it would all be okay if the burger was good.

So we ordered. It arrived. And it was... lame. Admittedly, the flavor of the burger was decent, but it was by no means a taste explosion, and the thing just felt small, despite their claims of being a 7 oz burger. Way over priced (plain burger with nothing is $9; my bacon cheeseburger was $11), fries were good but sold separately and the pathetically mediocre, SIX DOLLAR milkshake came in an 8 oz glass. WTF? I don't know who they were trying to fool with the 3 inches of whipped cream on top either.

Ordered my burger rare; it came medium. Not even medium rare, just frakking medium. No real surprise, as it took 20 minutes for them to drop the burger... of COURSE it was going to be over cooked. The "bacon" consisted of two paper thin discs about an inch and a quarter in diameter and they only offered 2 types of cheese; American and bleu. Orders came with "hard boiled egg mayonnaise," a thoroughly forgettable concoction.

Had to ask for lettuce, tomato and onion separately. No ketchup or condiments on the tables; we had to get up ourselves and scavenge them from other tables.

The bill for 2 bacon cheeseburgers, 1 order of fries and 2 milk shakes came to... and this is the frakking kicker... $42.27. NOT including tip.

Wasn't all bad, of course. As I said, the fries were actually good, and they had some interesting flavors of shakes (blueberry, pumpkin, toasted marshmallow, etc...), though that particular plus gets canceled out due to the fact that it's basically a shot glass of milkshake. And they kept our water glasses full. That's something. The meat was good quality (shame they overcooked it) - free range, though not organic, according to the manager. And they toasted the bun well - always a nice touch.

I've read a number of rave reviews of this place. I haven't the faintest idea where some people get their ideas of what makes a good burger. You can't taste decor, people!

Just a disappointing burger week last week. Gonna go buy some beef and try Gordon Ramsey's recipe from Kitchen Nightmares and see if I can't salvage this ground meat shipwreck.

Burgers of Shame: BRGR

I'm something of a hamburger aficionado. Or a burger snob. However you slice it, I like hamburgers; I'm quick to praise the good ones, even faster to lambaste the crappy ones and the average offerings are forgotten more quickly than the promises of an alcoholic on her third drink.

Which brings us to this evening. I'd had a very, very long day and a friend was coming over to do a quick cameo in my latest sketch video and I promised to feed her. I'd normally cook, but I was beat, so after a little brainstorming on where to eat I suddenly remembered that there was a BRGR hamburger joint on 7th Avenue near my place that I had never tried.

Now, I had avoided this place on purpose. It screamed hipster trash, in it's decor, pathetic portions, pricing... even it's fonts. It featured a 1/3 pound burger, which is, coincidentally, the exact weight of mediocrity. Their basic burger was SEVEN dollars, AND they sold their fries separately - red flags galore. I had my burger oven set to pre-hate this place.

Yet here was an opportunity to finally give it a chance, so in we went. Got myself the BRGR burger - basic cheese, onions lettuce, tomato, pickle and BRGR sauce. Rare, as all burgers should be. With a side of sweet potato fries ($2.75) and a black and white milkshake ($5.50). My friend also got a basic burger and lemonade. Total came to nearly $30. For TWO people! Eating HAMBURGERS.

Must... stay... calm...

Flavor of the Burger: Meh. Slightly too greasy. Huge bun, pathetic vegetables and cheese melted onto the bottom bun... wtf is that? You might as well put the cheese under the table. You can't taste the damn cheese unless it's on top of the meat. That's burgers 101. Amateurs. The beef patty itself was a thin, rather mealy patty that reminded me of the consistency of frozen pre-made hamburgers, despite it's supposedly organic, freshly-made construction. I mean look at that thing; that's a burger that's just given up on itself.

After I took a few bites of the burger, I took a sip of what appeared to be about a 16-oz milkshake - seemed a little small for my taste. I was all ready to hate on it as well for it's rather hefty price-tag, but when it hit my lips I was forced to admit that it's a really, really good milkshake. Pretty much worth the money.

The fries, on the other hand, were crispy, but for being sweet potato fries, rather flavorless. They needed some sort of seasoning, and the sea salt on the table wasn't doing it. They should consider having a version with a bit of cayenne or garlic.

The real giveaway about the burgers though? At the counter next to our table was a mother and her 3 or 4 year old girl. Angelic little slip of a thing, blond curls falling around pink cheeks. She was peering back over her chair at us and I smiled at her, then suddenly realized she was in the process of FINISHING her burger. When a 3-year old girl can finish your hamburger without so much as a fuss, you FAIL. COMPLETE LOSS!

Michael Kane of the New York Post has named BRGR burgers one of the Best Burgers in Town, ranking it BETTER than Burger Joint in the Parker Meridian, and on the same level as P.J. Clarke's and frakkin' Peter Luger's burgers.

Note to self: Michael Kane of the New York Post is a moron.